We went out to feed our "pups" tonight and Blondie wasn't there waiting with her mom, Ginger, and her brother, Jr. She didn't come when we called. Grisha found her under the deck. Jo said it looked like she had just curled up to take a nap. Have no idea what happened, but she is gone. The skies opened up and poured at that very moment, so hard it reminded me of the day our house flooded, but it stopped not long after.
I'm thinking about how losing someone you love never gets easier and I'm thinking about how very little - maybe nothing gets easier as one gets older and experiences more and more of life.
Death is not easier. Life is not easier. (Mom used to say "Getting older ain't for sissies!")
It isn't easier - but the more you live through, I think, the more you realize that you can and you do live through it. That there is no preventing of the "bad" and even what you can do in preparation for it - never feels enough.
But maybe, just maybe having lived long enough, you learn from experience at least, that you can weather the bad times and even grow and change for the good in some cases... even if it is just an increase in your ability to recognize the pain in others and care for them because you have been somewhere similar...
I'm sad right now. I miss the pets that have passed in the last few years especially bad tonight with the loss of Blondie so harsh and fresh and raw. I miss my mom so much right now as the anniversary of her death draws near again.
I'm tired and I'm nervous about all that I have to get done in the next couple of weeks at home, and work, and in my martial arts endeavors.
And I'm worried about my testing coming up...
I'd really like things to be easier. They aren't going to be, and I'm just going to try to go with that and quit beating myself up about it all - which certainly doesn't make things easier...
It'll be o.k.
In fact, it will all be great.
I've got a wonderful... well... you name it and in my life, it is pretty wonderful!
I'm blessed beyond what I deserve
and I know it and I am grateful for it.
Tonight... I'm just more than a little sad - but that's o.k.
Respectfully,
Kathy Wiz
Being swarmed by the sea of sadness is ok. Giving ourselves permission to feel bad is a gift as we are often encouraged to just get over it. Pain reminds us of how big our heart can expand and contract. Loss is a way to touch us and bring us to the present time.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you as you go through the pain of a death and the anxiety of a testing. I love what Ginny said (above).
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